Co-parenting requires empathy, patience and open communication for success.
No one has children and thinks that one day they will only spend half of the time with them. No one has children expecting to hand them over to someone else to do the parenting 50% of the time. No one has children not expecting to tuck them into bed every night. This is a massive change for a parent and a very emotional one, on top of the emotions already being experienced as a consequence of the breakup.
The following tips may seem straightforward but they are often the things that are forgotten, particularly during more complex breakups. 1. Your children's needs always come first I know this should go without saying but above everything else their needs prevail. Try if you can to remove the emotion from the situation and focus on what is the right thing to do for them. When you look back on this you want to feel proud of how you have handled things.
2. Prioritize Communication
This is one of the most important tips and sometimes the hardest to achieve depending on how amicable you are with your ex partner. You need to find a strategy that works for you and your family. In conflict situations it may mean that you communicate in written form, via text or email rather than face to face. Keep it factual and only include relevant information about the children.
You need to establish what works for you and ensure you communicate as much as possible about your childrens welfare. Try not to use your children as the "go between" relaying messages back and forth. 3. Have a predetermined schedule Have something fixed in place that you are both agreed upon (which you may need legal help with) and then make sure that you plan for events in advance, giving the co-parent enough warning. Communication again is key.
Aim to be as flexible as possible where it is fair to be, again putting your childrens needs first. 4. Keep any disagreements away from the children It is inevitable that you are not always going to agree with your co-parent. Avoid having arguments in front of the children and avoid bad mouthing your ex in front of them.
5. Plan your time when you are not with your children
Initially it can be quite overwhelming and upsetting to hand your children over to your co-parent and then be alone for that time. Make sure you plan ahead what you are going to spend your time doing. Try to make the most out of it, try a new hobby, see good friends, exercise, travel, take time for some self care.
6. Don’t set your expectations too high
In the beginning this is new to both of you and it is going to be a period of adjustment for you both plus your children. Try to be respectful towards the co-parent. They, aswell as you, are going to need some time to find their feet as a single parent. Inevitably they will make mistakes.
Remember you can not control your ex's actions or behaviour, you can only control your own. Try not to waste time worrying about how they are parenting, this will cause you stress, concentrate only on what you can control and the time you spend with your children.
They actually only need one good solid role model in their lives and that will be you.
7. Try to agree how new partners fit in
This can be very daunting at first, someone new becoming a part of your childrens lives, a stranger taking care of them. If you are in a situation where you can, then try to get to know the new partner. Talk to your ex about the role this new person will have in your childrens lives.
The splitting of two parents does not have to be damaging for your children, this can be an important life lesson for them, a lesson in resilience. As long as you always have their best interests at heart you will look back and feel proud at how you dealt with the situation. Remember your children will take the lead from you on this, you are their role model, how you act and behave is what they will learn and what they will remember.
If you need any help and support in this area then please get in touch.
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